Growing up, mysterious packages would arrive on the front porch from our grandparents. Better. Than. Christmas. These boxes had traveled from distant exotic lands like Japan, Germany, and Pittsburgh. OK, Japan and Germany.
The German packages were wrapped in sturdy brown paper and secured with string. Inside were Leckerli and Springerle baked by Opa and pink floral dirndls with lacy aprons sewn by Oma.
The Japanese packages from our Obasan were decorated with funny stick hieroglyphs and colorful stamps. The packing newspapers had more vertical scrawlings and pictures of people who looked like my dad. We carefully opened the unusual treasures and treats like seaweed that melts in your mouth, and bean paste which is like a weird brown jello you slice and eat. I hoped that one day, I would be able to see the countries from which these packages originated.
Each of my parents immigrated to the States in the 1950’s , one from Germany and one from Japan. Twice we have done multi-generational ancestral treks to the other side of the world. The first time was with my mother to Germany with three generations present. My mother and her sister, both in their 80s, and three families, thirteen of us in total. Her grandkids ranged from being in their twenties, teens, tweens, to toddlers. More noteworthy was the full range of hormones represented from pre-teen to post menopausal. No one was harmed physically, however rumors of irreversible psychological damage have yet to be substantiated. We started at my grandmother’s hometown in Bavaria, next my grandfather’s hometown close to Berlin, then by train to my great- grandparents’ hometown in Poland, a stone’s throw from the Russian border.
That trip went well enough that we decided to do it again, only this time to Japan with my dad, his wife, and nearly the entire clan. This trip was unique because my dad is the only one in his family who left Japan. The girls met their extended family for the first time, proving once and for all that yes, kids, you do have roots on this side of the DNA. We visited Kyoto, Nara, and my dad’s hometown of Kagoshima.
No one will argue that inter-generational heritage trips create collective memories that are rare and irreplaceable. But it’s the combination of multiple families, personalities, and needs for an extended period of time that make these trips a different kind of travel animal. For us this is what worked to keep it fun while keeping the peace.
1. In the Loop
Make sure every family or individual is in the loop with planning prior to the trip. That’s the easy part. If your family is like ours, the trip then evolves while you’re on location. Make sure as plans are made or change, that everyone is involved. No one likes to feel left behind, excluded, or always the last one to know. This may sound silly, but it is the fastest way that multi-family trips start to sour. Keep everyone looped in.
2. Patience with Big Grasshoppers
If you are traveling with older relatives who have not returned to their home country in a long time, many emotions may surface. Both my parents left war torn countries. I was 14 when my dad returned to Japan after nearly thirty years. When we were landing, it was the first time I’d ever seen him cry. It was extremely emotional for him. My mother returned to Germany after more than fifty years. The months leading up to the trip was an emotional roller coaster for her, and we were just hoping she would actually board the plane. Lots of patience and reassurance may be required.
3. Knots and Bonds
These are your permanent relationships, in the lifelong category. A trip like this has an abundance of opportunities to strengthen the old family ties and knot new ones. Take advantage of the togethering. My youngest daughter had a conversation with my brother about whether she should be a scientist or an engineer that will likely shape her future. He and his wife are well equipped to mentor her in these areas, whereas we, her parents, are not. Amazing life changing things could happen on this trip, inspired by a family member.
3. Inclusivity
No one likes feeling left out at any age on the spectrum. Regardless of how different we are, we are connected for the long haul. Everyone regardless of age, personality, quirkiness, life’s work, should be able to experience warm acceptance. It will be obvious if someone is feeling on the fringe of what is happening. Make an effort to be inclusive all the time. It’s important.
4. Avoid Hot Spots
You’ve been together your whole lives and know where all the mines are buried. No one is going to change their stance on whether God exists or hockey is a violent sport, on this. Stay far, far away from those. My mom will argue nonstop about abortion or gay issues, but will happily drop the debate for a chocolate bar. Use every creative tactic in your peace-maker bags of tricks.
5. Mix it up.
Family units tend to stick with each other, it’s the familiar easy thing to do. Make an effort to mix it up, sit with other family members. Challenge your kids to take this initiative, too.
6. Ask questions.
Silently sharing the subway seat with a family member you rarely see won’t help you to get to know them better. Interaction is always initiated by someone. Ask questions, then listen. We coach our girls to do this, especially with the older folks, but also with their aunts, uncles, and cousins. My brother and his wife are accomplished scientists and my sister’s a doctor. Trust me, they have interesting things to share if asked. My girls’ grandparents are full of wisdom and amazing life stories as well. They’re thrilled if someone, anyone, shows some interest.
7. Main Event
Make sure everyone knows the schedule for doing the main sightseeing attractions, like where grandma/pa went to school, lived, worked. Allow for time later in a comfortable place, when stories can be told and recorded, questions asked, unhurriedly. I was the youngest in my family and my
sibs were surprised that I hadn’t heard as much of the family history as they had. I learned a lot about that dad.
8. Other Outings
Even now, our most successful cross-generational crowd pleasers are visits to zoos or aquariums. Other days we split into 2-4 groups, depending on who is interested in what. It’s a great way to mix up the families. My science interested daughters can hang out with their cellular biologist aunt and organic chemist uncle, while my other daughter interested in medicine can hang out with her doctor aunt. But don’t be fooled, there are other great non-sciencey interactions happening, too.
9. Naps
Make sure these can happen for the older, younger, and tired people in the group. Otherwise someone may fall asleep on park bench or in a mall, the police think they’re homeless and try to cart them away and you only barely convince them that they’re with you. But that’s only happened a couple of times. Carve out times and places to make sure people who need their rest can get it without police intervention.
10. Sleepovers
Living in Texas, Florida, and Canada, my siblings and I are geographically far apart. There aren’t many opportunities for cousin sleepovers. When we travel together the girlies often like to take advantage and have sleepovers in each other’s hotel rooms.
11. Photo Challenges
Our immediate and extended family loves photography…German – Japanese DNA will do that. When we get together there is an initial marveling of any new cameras or lenses. My sister likes to throw down photo challenges like finding letters of the alphabet in nature and architecture. On our trip to Japan there were seven enthusiastic
photographers. The collection of photos taken by that group of seven could have made a new coffee table book on Japan.
12. Sharing Roots
This small group of people you’re travelling with has a unique family lineage no one else shares. Every one of my dad’s kids and grandkids has a Japanese name, six of us have two. Yet only two of the grandkids had been to Japan. It was time to understand why they’ve been folding origami cranes since birth. The kids met uncles, aunts, and cousins for the first time. One night when my dad, sister, and I were suffering from jet lag, we stayed up all night listening to his life stories. I’ll never forget that night in Kyoto.
May your ancestral family travels grow your roots, strengthen your ties, and give you rare extended family memories.