“Only you can create your own happiness.”
The cliche that got real in 2020.
Unknown to all of us, there was a pandemic test we didn’t know we were taking. The physical testing during covid was obvious. You test positive or negative. There are check boxes for symptoms such as a fever or cough. But there was a parallel test happening with no swabs or check boxes. Social isolation was running its own set of experiments and delivering our personal results. Could you create your own happiness?
The Two P’s
For a year we’ve lived in mandatory bubbles. Individual ones for sure. Some of us also had family ones. Without the usual outside influences and support, could we adapt and be happy? If so, was it sustainable for over a year?
You don’t have too look far to see how differently people respond to unusual stress. It’s a continuum of people barely surviving and are a mess, to those who see opportunity, start businesses, and thrive.
How well each of us coped seemed to come down to a combination of the 2 P’s. Personality and practice. A new twist on the nature/nurture question.
Personality
Our personalities are wired differently. I can see this with my own kids. They showed up with different traits: laidback, persistent, happy. Various personalities respond the unknowns and disappointments of the pandemic differently.
Practice
Regardless of your innate traits, there is always the experiential counterpart to the nature vs nurture equation. Experiences. Doesn’t matter what kind of personality you start with, you can increase your adaptation skills with practice. If you’ve had lots of different, unpredictable experiences under your belt, you’re likely to adjust faster, from mere practice.
6 Case Studies
I don’t know what was happening in other families. But I do know the stories of ours. Of our individual and family ups and downs of creating our own happiness while living in our pandemic bubbles.
Case study #1 – Oldest kid
A year ago:
– finished D.C. Internship
– offered job with Microsoft for after graduation
– finishing last term for Masters
– looking forward to graduation
– We are convinced she had covid in February before it became well known what it was. She brought it home and Paul also got covid symptoms.
Covid cancelled:
– graduation
– workshops she was leading to teach Coding to girls
– but not her job offer! Some companies rescinded job offers made during the pandemic, but not hers.
Influencing Happiness Outcome
– Kier wasn’t emotionally affected by the pandemic overall. She was on track to finish her Masters and had already landed her dream job last September.
– She knew the remaining family time was rare. She maxed it out by initiating fun family times. She instituted tea times at home, baking treats and having us all take breaks in the afternoon together.
– She did lots of artsy projects, painted furniture, sorting childhood souvenirs, baking, editing pictures and videos.
– She and her sister helped plan Cali’s home prom. She took lots of great photos of her sisters.
A Year Later:
– When the pandemic showed up, she had already signed a lease to live right next to her job. But she never ended up going in to that office.
– She had a steep learning curve for an intense, high stakes job from a desk in her apartment, never meeting a coworker in person.
– Within a few months she knew she was living in the wrong location for the social urban lifestyle she wanted. She moved to Capital Hill where most of the young techy professionals live. Now she has many close friends and multiple social circles. Has an extremely full and active social life.
– After the apartment move, she had exactly the life she wanted; her dream job, a lively urban lifestyle, and more like-minded friends and friend groups than she’d ever had.
Happiness Creation
Pandemic didn’t phase her much, if at all. Of course she was disappointed not to do her Masters graduation, but got past it fast. When unexpected things happen in life, Kier is a boss at the pivot. She is skillful at bouncing back or quickly redirectng from setbacks. When she steps in a steaming pile of crap, she doesn’t stay there or wallow, she steps out, wipes her shoe off, and keeps moving. She finds it a waste of energy to over-process, but rather takes action to make new, better memories.
Kier is a badass manifester. She is a powerful thinker. She knows what she wants. This clarity gives her boldness to take action and is combined with her initiative to find or create the right opportunities. She landed her dream job 9 months before she graduated with her degree. For years now she has been working toward creating a certain kind of life. One that included being surrounded by many like-minded friends, being a high earner so she has lots of lifestyle choices. Also having a career that challenges, recognizes her gifts, and financially rewards her. Now, she has all of that. As a parent it has been unfuckingbelievable to watch.
Case Study #2 – Middle-kid
A year ago:
– Just finished her undergrad classes.
– Studying for her MCAT scheduled in May
– Was starting 30 med school applications
Covid cancelled:
– her job as a TA at the university
– MCAT test. Had hers been scheduled for the next day, it would not have been cancelled. There was no indication if they would reschedule these tests. She was afraid she’d have to wait an extra year to apply to medical schools. She couldn’t believe this turn of events. Very disappointed.
– She didn’t get to spend last term with her friends. Also did not get to say good-bye in person to all her undergrad buddies. Lack of the usual closure was hard.
– Had planned to work as an EMT during her application gap year. Enrolled in the EMT course. Program wouldn’t offer the required in person training to pass the course. They would only refund a quarter of the tuition money.
A Year Later:
– She was able to reschedule her MCAT for July.
– Was barely able to meet the application cycle for that year.
– Did all her interviews via Zoom
– In the Fall she was accepted to her number one choice Med school!!
– Since she wasn’t working, she got to spend the rest of the year traveling to Ecuador, Costa Rica, and Canada.
– She finally had time to finish a writing project she’d started in high school
Hardest Part of Pandemic
Madi says the hardest part of the pandemic was studying properly for the MCAT. After her first test date was cancelled and rescheduled for after our road trip to get her older sister settled in Seattle, her study schedule was interrupted. Due to car sickness and never staying in one place for more than a day, it was impossible to properly study during those weeks leading up to the test. She got an average score on the first MCAT. She struggled with two weeks of depression before slaying the second one with no additional studying. What she found most useful to get through it, was imagining herself at medical school with it all done, and reminded herself that it has to all be over eventually.
Lifelong Goals
Seems crazy, but from when she was 3 years old, Madi knew she wanted to be a doctor. My mom, who doted on Madi, had some different health issues, that Madi wanted to fix. From then on, she has never wavered from that goal.
When the pandemic put a major twist in what she’s been working toward her whole life, she handled it remarkably calmly. Yes she was very down for the two weeks between the MCAT score she didn’t want and the one she did. But she seemed to know that no matter how difficult it would be to reach her goal, she would absolutely make it happen. Just a few months later she was accepted into her number one choice. We were thrilled for her.
Case Study #3 – Youngest Kid
One year ago:
– She was in her senior year excited about all the end-of-year senior stuff.
Covid cancelled:
Last part of Senior Year in High School
– No 18th birthday party. Very sad.
– No coaching the end of the Cheer Season. She had been coaching this team for 3 years with younger underprivileged girls. This was her last year and they were about to go to competition. The season ended abruptly and she was never able to say good-bye to them. Sad, sad, sad.
– No senior skip day
– No senior trip
– No PROM
– No high school graduation
– No college Associates Degree graduation
– No last months with her friends before moving away
– Summer plans were also cancelled. She was scheduled to get her scuba DiveMasters certificate that she had worked toward for many years.
Then in Freshman Year of University
– No typical orientation activities
– No in-person classes
– No sports like CREW, which she was very excited to join
– No football games at a big football school (sad dad)
– No parties and clubbing (all that Freshman stuff)
– No way to meet other people in an organic way
– No school clubs or specialized groups
A Year Later:
– Even though it was an unconventional Freshman year at university, it was a good one.
– She got incredibly close to her roommates—her new family.
– Met a few other girls who became good friends
– She got two road trips across the country. She got to see a lot of National Parks and Mystic Falls (Covington, Georgia) where Vampire Diaries was set.
– She got lots of time with her boyfriend. Even though he goes to school in Tallahassee, he had no in-person classes. So he spent lots of time in Gainesville, which would not have happened under normal circumstances.
– This summer she will still get to complete her DiveMasters certificate.
Influencing Her Happiness Outcome
This was a very very tough year for our youngest. Not only were all of her senior year milestones cancelled, but also those from her Freshman year of university. This was tough. She did her best to create memories like senior grad photos with her sisters instead of her friends, and having a home prom. But it was deeply disappointing for her.
But what started to happen, because she had lots of time to practice, was her happiness-creating skills got better and better. She learned to focus on the little things that brought her joy that she did have control over. She figured out how to shift her mood more quickly and consistently.
In university she had difficulty, along with the entire Freshman class, meeting new friends. The normal opportunities to do so, in classes, sports, clubs, at football games, clubs, parties, simply didn’t happen. This was not how she expected the year to go. She went on to Bumble BFF to make friends, an unconventional work around. With mixed results, she did finally make one friend by that route. But perhaps as a result of this, she became very close to her roommates. They are a close knit little family after this year, and have each other’s backs in a unique way of people who have gone through an unusual experience are bonded. So that part was good.
Case study #4 – Paul
New Social Outlets
Obviously the pandemic hit extrovert and introverts differently. Paul enjoys social interactions. For the most part they invigorate him and he is drawn toward interacting with others. Where does one go to make friends during a pandemic? Turns out Twitter is the grown man’s Bumble BFF equivalent. I know. I know! Who knew? He could make friends all over the country, nay, the world. Now he’s constantly saying, “My new twitterbro from Malta (Texas, Toronto, etc.) was just saying…..” He’s so happy.
Downside
Biggest repercussion of the pandemic for Paul was not being able to see his elderly mom in Canada. We were planning to go last summer, but the border was closed. We will again try to visit her this summer.
Shifts in Business
This was weird. He has a business with over 320 people that for the past 30 years has been a face-to-face client interaction business. We were concerned how the pandemic would affect this fact. Turns out, the business shifted to online, because there was no choice, and it’s even more effective that way. It’s way more efficient and effective. Our business grew and keeps growing even faster than it was before. Unpredictable, great bonus for us!
Pandemic Outcomes: More Portable Life
Outcomes from the pandemic for Paul were extremely positive. In two important ways, his life became more portable. He found a new outlet for making new friends and connecting with others, which he can take all over the world when we travel. The business also became remote-friendly. Neither of these would have happened without the pandemic.
Our livelihood and his social life being more portable couldn’t have been timed better. Because after the girls all graduated in May, we packed up our house for some full-time travel.
Case-study #5 – Me
My year was destined to be a transitional rollercoaster, with or without the additional pandemic loops. Some factors I knew, while others showed up.
What I knew going into the pandemic:
– All three girls were graduating and moving away at the same time. For years I knew this time was coming would be tough for me.
What I didn’t know going into the pandemic:
– We decided not to downsize to another house but rather a storage unit so we could travel full-time for a while. This was dream we’ve had for ages, but would require a different mindset to culling our stuff for storage instead of a new home.
– My dad would pass away in April leaving me with no alive parents for the first time.
– Lost milestone celebrations like graduations or senior high school year activities like prom.
– Our last long summer vacation for our family to Europe and Africa would be cancelled. We would replace it with a coast to coast road trip, but it wasn’t what I’d envisioned for our last big travel hurrah.
Within three weeks I would have no living parents, no kids living with us, no home, no important family graduation milestones to celebrate together, no exotic final summer-long trip.
The Tricky Transition
Perhaps for the first time in my adult life, I felt untethered—not in a happy freedom kind of way, but in an unsettling, sad way. My main struggle of the girls leaving would have happened regardless of the pandemic. But somehow the piling on of the other additional stuff often left me feeling extremely sad. I focused on being present, since looking backwards or forward just made me sad for different reasons.
A Year Later
The empty-nesting has been more of a gradual transition than I had originally imagined it would be. Whether it was Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, we’ve seen the girls often. Madi has been traveling with us since February, before she’s off to medical school. A number of our trips were cancelled so we didn’t do nearly as much traveling as we’d originally planned. Being away from the all the girls was only a couple of months or weeks at a time so I could acclimatize more gradually.
Case Study #6 – The Family
– Half a year of concentrated bonus family time from March to August. We haven’t had that much time together EVER. Tea times, campfires, pool parties, crafty times, painting, baking, sorting pictures, making family movies, going through souvenirs.
– Replacement milestones. Had to compensate and create family substitutes for events that didn’t happen, graduations, prom. We cleared out the living room and did a home prom like no other.
– It’s been a year. A bizarre swirl of sad stuff, family milestones, amazing unexpected moments.
A year later
– Each of the girls are moving forward. Now we also know where Madi will be going to school. We will move her in July and get her set up for the next 4 years.
– We all have our 1st or 2nd vaccine. We are spending a couple months in Costa Rica, and a month in Canada (fingers crossed).
What crazy a year. A bizarre swirl of sad stuff, missed family milestones, and dismal disappointments. But perhaps because of the collection of lows, the good unexpected moments were also some of the best, happiest memories of our lives.
